My Year By Design

The journey to living by design.


I wake up, eyes wide, heart racing. My hands are curled into painful fists. My teeth are ground together so tightly I can hear my jaw muscles popping. I have to force myself to breathe. In…two…three…out…two…three… I’ve woken up during a panic attack for the third time tonight.

I get up and run my body so hard and fast through my day that by the last bell I’m breathless. After school, I sit in my car with my eyes closed, trying to calm the shaking before I drive home. In…two…three…out…two…three…

At home I marinate my brain in sitcom reruns, (thank you Netflix.)  I eat without really tasting my food and go to bed as soon as I can. My family and friends rarely see me.

I bottom out after a whole weekend of crying and feeling paralyzed. I can’t remember feeling happy. I dread the approach of Monday so much I make myself sick to my stomach. Afterwards my throat feels raw as I try to slow my breath. In…two…three…out…two…three…

I know what I have to do. I talk to Nick and my family. We make plans. I call my family doctor to book an appointment. I double my therapy appointments. I refill my antidepressant prescription. This is going to be the hardest thing I’ve done in a long time.

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4 thoughts on “Derailed

  1. Felt wrong to click “like” so better to say that this was a powerful piece of writing.

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